Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Finally back!! Long story.

I'm finally back!! I can't believe it already has been one month ago that I posted the news about the sudden death of my son's father and my ex.
It has been a very intensive month!

First we had to say goodbye to Ad. That took a while, because first his sister had to arrive from New Zealand. She took her 2 daughters (17 and 12) with her. We had to wait for her because Ad asked her to be his executor the last time she came over to see her brother 1,5 years ago. So, 10 days after his death we held a small service after which he got cremated. Although at first Zander told me he didn't want to see his dad lying in the coffin, he changed his mind and walked beside me to say goodbye to his father. He also watched me and his aunt helping the undertaker to close the coffin after the service. We asked him if he wanted to help us but that was too much for him, but he stood there watching us. I'm very proud of my son that he dared to watch his dad. I wasn't able to do that at that age!
Zander and I only arrived the day before the service and we left the day after, leaving his aunt, at her own request, with all the things she had to do.

About a week later she and her daughters came over to see us and we spend an afternoon shopping in Groningen. They brought a rug from Ad's house Zander had asked for, some clothes and shoes of his dad, some dvd's and all the pictures of Zander Ad had put in his home (all things he didn't asked for). But his aunt promised him he would get the new computer Ad had just bought before he died. And for me there was the 'wooden' floor, Zander and I had put in last Summer.
But last week she suddenly changed her mind and send me an e-mail in which she told me that she thought Zander had gotten enough from his father these last couple of years (?) and that she would take all of Ad's stuff that she could use to New Zealand! So all Zander inherated from his dad are the few things mentioned earlier.
There is nothing legal I can do about her decision because Zander carries my name and never was recognized as Ad's son (we weren't married at the time of his birth and decided together that Zander would carry my name. If Zander got recognized as Ad's son he would automatically get his father's name.) and his dad failed to make a last will in favour of his son. Very painful is the fact that 9 days before Ad died, he told Zander that he would inherate all his belongings in case he died. Zander repeated that in front of me when I came over to pick him up at his dad's place after he had spent the May holiday there.

When I received Ad's sisters e-mail ofcourse I tried to persuade her to change her mind but she wasn't willing to. She wrote that she would have nothing to do with me and Zander anymore. At first I couldn't believe that somebody could do something like that to a child, to a child with autism even. But she did and there's nothing I can do about it than except it.
That same day I decided I wouldn't waste any energy about her decision. If she believes she's doing the right thing than so be it!! This is something she has to live with for the rest of her live. I've let it go and send her my love through the Universe.

This all happened last Wednesday early in the morning and just before my son had to leave for his community service from school at 10 o'clock. Well he didn't go because suddenly he felt sick and he stayed in bed for a couple of days. It wasn't a good time to tell him about his aunt's decision so I told him last Friday when he felt much better. Just before I wanted to tell him the bad news he told me he felt sick in his stomach. I'm sure he felt that there was something wrong that Wednesday morning after I received his aunt's e-mail at 9.30 am and that he also sensed that the news I wanted to tell him on Friday was bad news. Kids with autism seem to have a 6 sense for picking up that kind of stuff! It's not the first time I noticed this with my son!

It's quite a story, isn't it?! But we are doing fine and in a way I'm grateful that this happened. I now know that I'm capable of let go and be compassionate in not so pleasant circumstances. The thing is that while Ad's sister was here in Holland she received news about her husband who was taken to hospital a few days after his daughters arrived home again (they traveled home without their mom). I don't know what's wrong with him but I felt she was really upset and not herself when she made the decision about the computer. It's not an excuse but people do strange things when they live in fear and not in love.
I want to live in love and peace and not in fear and hatred, so that's why I'm capable of letting it go. And you know what, because I'm doing this my son also is handling this situation very well. Sure he was angry at his aunt and he told me that he never wants to see her anymore, but for now he also decided that it's okay. I'm so proud of him!


Anonymous said...

jeetje zeg wat een verhaal, maar heel goed hoe jij het oppikt en hierdoor zander ook. sterkte!


Marit said...

Inderdaad, wees maar trots op die mooie zoon van je, EN op jezelf, want JIJ hebt hem zover grootgebracht en opgevoed. "Good for you, Anniek!!!"

Emilia Hollander said...

Wow, wat kan jij goed Engels!!!
Mooi blog... heerlijk om hier rond te snuffelen. Ik zal vaker bij je komen lezen. Zet je in mijn 'volgen'lijst! Wist je dat ik sinds kort ook een blogspot heb? emiliahollander.blogspot.com
ben daar al mijn oude archieven van de diverse sites in aan het zetten en ben alle andere weblogs aan het opdoeken. Alles lekker op 1 plekje bij elkaar en op zininzijn natuurlijk!
liefs en knuffel, Emilia